On the Buses

12 People that get on my bus

Student (x4)
From various parts of Wigan, all doing teacher training at Edge Hill College and all as thick as fuck!
Conversation covers facebook, getting pissed, planning on getting pissed and more facebook

Agent Scally
Scouser with THAT walk. Dressed in the usual all-black Ninja Scal outfit when he is too old to know better. Gets on in the heartlands of Wigan WN5 which means that he must have been doing a bit too much bouncy scouse house at Wigan Pier and got some Wigan scrotess up the duff!

Nurse Gladys
Lovely, just lovely. Little on the chunky side but this Hispanic beauty has that “I just want to mother you in my ample bosom” look about her. Probably poisoning OAPS in the care home she works in as we speak.

The Murali Twins
Get on and off at the same spot, look like each other (and like spin king Murali) and never utter a word to each other. One of them speaks to a bloke that is the spit of Jimmy Floyd Hasselbank.

Catwalk Kate
The aisle in the bus is her catwalk as she shows off her latest clothes and shoes. Never seen her in the same outfit twice. Dresses wonderfully, looks great – if a bit skinny – but never has her head out of one of those celebrity magazines. Probably a scouser!

Miss Skem 2008
The undoubted star of the bus. Dumpy 14-year old, braces on her teeth and lightly touched with the Downs stick. She gets on with latest mobile fastened to her ear – never talking just mobile to ear, scowls at the driver when showing her ticket and then sits down next to one of her school mates. And then it begins…. “Yous was hammered last night”, “I gave him the best shag of his life, as he’s going the big house tomorrow”, “Don’t normally do coke but fucking hell my nose last night” and on and on and on. Great entertainment. All complete bollocks of course but…

Down-filled Dan
Big old feller – looks about ninety – still working and wears a big white down-filled jacket and woolly hat in all weather. Speaks to a lot of the young girls. Probably a lollipop man/nonce

Catherine Zeta Jones
Absolutely stunning 18-year old girl that gets on in Old Skem. You can smell the bitchiness in the air as Miss Skem and her mates get the claws out… Truly beautiful young woman. Was once on the phone discussing the X Factor auditions.

Emo Boy
Or goth, or skaterboy or whatever these kids call themselves now but known as Emo as he looks just like Emo Philiips. Ugly fucker and sits with a punky girl that has great tats if not great tits! He’s gay. Doesn’t know it yet but he’ll undoubtedly bat for Yorkshire in a couple of years.

Oh and thirty plus fucking idiot schoolkids all dressed in black Helly Hansen jackets and all fucking about!!!