As unemployment figures soar - and in view of the fact that they may become a thing of the past - here are some of The Mudhutter's favourite workplace stitch ups, wind ups and downright filthiness
From the shopfloor:
1. The Johnny Wilkinson. This involves lining up four cardbord boxes, four lads, one of them being a new apprentice are lined up to try to kick their boxes over the wood rack. Three of the boxes are empty. The one the apprentice is kicking is a box full of metal screws. The look on their face as they swing a boot at a box and it moves about half an inch is a picture.
2. The concealed turd. This has been done in various forms. The one which seemed to go down best was done on a young lad who had a car that was perminately full of rubbish. A turd was hidden in the pocket thing of the drivers door. He drove round with his head out of the window for a week before the coin dropped .
3. The April fool. A few that I can remember are when we rang a lad up from another works and covinced him he'd won a thousand quids worth of musical equipment. He jumped straight into the works van and drove to Dawsons in Wigan to collect his voucher.
One lad was a junior British bodybuilding champion. We found out a bodybuilding products firm were cocidering offering him a sponsorship. We had him shouting down the phone in the office in front of the boss and his staff "Im the biggest Im the best. In fact Im awesome" because he thought he was taking part in an audition for a radio advertising campaign for the firm.
A chubby apprentice was told to take a note to a local shop near our works. The note said "This is a stick up. Give me all the pie's and cakes or I will sit on you".
4. The anal insertion. Never leave anything lying around the brew room. One lad disscovered his Vicks sinex had been stuffed up somebodies arse before he'd used it. The same happened to a lads cig. One apprentice left his phone and his sister recieved a text telling her he was going to "Cum on her tit's".
5. One unpopular apprentice loved his car stereo so much he had a sun visor with Kenwood on it. It had been altered to say Ken Dodd for two weeks before he noticed. Another time his registration number was skillfully changed to read "EL CUNTO" and he was stopped by the police.
From the office:
1. Sellotape down the receiver button on the phone, when the phone rings, receiver is lifted and it keeps ringing. This requires careful application of tape to avoid visibility.
2.Changing the mouse settings to lefthanded.
3. If a ball mouse, remove the ball.
4. Change contrast/brightness/colour down to black.
5. Move the letter indexes on a rollerdex
6. Take one bite out of someones sandwiches
7. Changing the letters on a keyboard to either spell rude words or confuse those who have to look at the keys M & N are the best for this.
8.Loosen holepunch base and ask a colleague to pass it to you.
9. The usual 'give me a word' game, to sneak into phone calls, presentations and meetings without detection.
10. Putting all your colleagues personal effects into a winster box whilst they are at lunch, with a post-it note to speak to the boss (assuming they are in on it).
11. Swapping over the telephone sockets so it is someone else's phone that rings.
12. A real beauty for confusing people who lock there computer to stop people from twatting about with it while they are out, is to put a space after the user name so when they put their password in it won't unlock. This usually only works with the windows classic logon screen.
13. If someone has brought a bag in and is going off on a plane/train later in the day, fill it with assorted old mice/keyboards/leads, it's best not to make it too heavy though as they usually find out.
From the traditional design/art studio or an operating theatre. Ask to borrow a surgical scalpel (providing its the Swan Morton removable blade type) and wait a few minutes.
Then shout your colleague's name, add 'thanks mate' and throw it back to them having removed the blade.
The number of people who innocently cup their hands to catch it a nanosecond before screaming as it hit is unbelievable.
From the man on the move:
Setting my van sharing mate on fire with a blow torch, I not nearly, really pissed myself.
Was worth it tho. Bit dangerous at 85 on the M62....