Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Naked Ives

"Hello i`m Orrible Oliver & welcome to a special Christmas Eve edition of Naked Ives.Tonight is going to be a show with a festive feel as i attempt to recreate a typical WN5 Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.Fuckin pukka eh ? I must point out that under no circumstances will i be cooking a Christmas cake or plum duff because not only are they wank but they also take about 3 months to make.Fuck that for a game of old soldiers ! Now as in true WN5 style all the cooking of the meat & the preperation of vegetables will take place today so i`m going to hop on my trusty scooter & pop round to Slaters Fruit & Veg shop on Norley to pick up some groceries.Hopefuly i`ll not get called a wanker by Shaun Brethy & the street urchins don`t knick me Vespa.Nor will Eric Slater stroke my hand in a more than friendly fashion when giving me my change.That would be fucking pukka

Right i`ve just bought & large cabbage,2 small caullies,5lb carrots & turnips,5lb sprouts & 2 onions.The heavily bearded Dennis Slater has offered to drop the sack of spuds off at my house in 30 minutes.Now i`m going to head up Pem to Kens Greens for a bit asparagus.Then i`ll nip behind The Dog & Partidge & meet a fella who`s sorted my turkey.I`d better call in Bradys Off Licence on the way up & sort out the Christmas booze.I do hope his wife`s not wearing sunglasses again this year due to her falling down the stairs pissed up & landing on Billys clenched fist.Then it`s off to meet a fella on St Thomas` car park to pick up a leg of pork,leg of lamb & a large piece of silverside.Fuckin pukka tucka.

Right,back home in the kitchen were i feel at my best.All that`s needed now is for me to crank up "Dancing In The Moonlight" by Toploader,dance around like a fucking lemon for a few minutes then get on with the preparation & cooking.Oh before i forget,i MUST put my Man About The House pinny on complete with stockings & suspenders.Right first thing is to get the dried peas into soak for 24 hours.Just pour the packet into a pan full of warm water & bung a white tablet (not ecstacy) on top.Piece of piss eh.Could teach a monkey to do that.Then we move onto peeling the veg.We`ll start with the spuds as we`ll be doing four diferent kinds,namely "mash" "boiled" "roasters done in the oven" & "roasters done in the chip pan".Personally i`ve always prefered roasters done in the chip pan rather than those crusty cornered sacks of shit that came out the oven.Once we`ve peeled the spuds don`t bother getting the eyes or grubs out.Just bung them in the fucking pan because as my Gran always says "They`re good for ya".Now i prefer to boil the spuds rather than put them in a pressure cooker although me Mam did once have a pressure cooker but the lid was fucked so she just used it as a large pan.Fucking kosher eh.Then we do the carrots & turnips.Again bung them in the pan along with plenty of salt & pepper.Same with the caullie,cabbage, sprouts & asparagus.As you may notice i don`t have an Aga oven to work with but don`t worry as some of the pans will fit on top of the toaster until a flame is available.While i`m peeling the vegetables i must mention how peaceful it is to be cooking in an empty house for once as my wife Jules is currently having her IVF treatment this morning before her appointment with her anorexic counselor.Also my son is out for the day at the Westward Labour Club Christmas Party were no doubt he will get bullied off the bigger boys & have his money stolen from him before going onto the stage & sitting on some pissed up drunks knee dressed as Father Christmas who is probably a paedophile.Fucking pukka days eh.

That`s the veg` sorted now onto the poultry & meat.I`ll start with the turkey.A large roasting tray (No Kapo & Henri not that kind) is needed.First we take out the jiblets by shoving your arm straight up its Arris.Some people use these as part of the gravy but personally i like to think of myself more than a fucking caveman.Then we pack the cavity with some Paxo.As i`m ramming the Paxo up there i must tell you a little story that always happened at Christmas with my Great Grandad.He was the person who introduced me to Wigan Athletic & was quite simply the Grandad of Worsley Hall.But he was my real Grandad.Every year Tom would come up to my house & all his Grandkids would be there.Chocolate would be being eaten by the kids & Tom would sit there in his chair looking at them playing with their toys.Little did the babies know what was going to happen to them soon.You see Tom had this shall we say "habit" which entailed him picking the babies up who were covered in chocolate & licking their faces clean ! Proud as fuck he was.Didn`t care a shite.Also due to him having a leg missing he used to piss in the sink (not when cooking Christmas dinner i might add) but when he couldn`t walk upstairs due to his false Dolly Peg. Anywa..Once the turkey is stuffed throw it in the oven wrapped in foil for about 6 hours & don`t forget to "baste" it.We then wrap the leg of pork in some foil,same with the lamb & silverside.Then wait until the turkey is done before banging them in the oven.Once you`ve taken the turkey out do NOT leave it on the kitchenette & then go out on the piss like Tony Ball did.This will cause you to return to your house with a turkey carcas on the floor & a very full Bull Mastiff sat in it`s bed looking rather contented.That`s not fucking pukka.

Now the important part.The gravy.Big tub of Bisto is needed & if you really fancy being posh add a couple of OXO.For thickening we need some corn flour too.Fry your onion in the pan,then add the water from each of the simmering pans & the roasting trays.The gravy must taste of all the meat & veg that you have cooked.Then throw the Bisto & OXO in until you get that "spreadable with a knife" thickness.Gravy without skin is not fuckin pukka tucka.Once the gravy is done it`s time to serve.Make sure you get your best plates out & cover the dinning table with a plastic Chritmasy sheet.Make sure that the Uncle who turns up once a year just for his dinner & a free piss up is sat at one end of the table with a plate filled with more vegetables than Rose Hill School.Christmas crackers must be placed sparingly around the table & the shop bought Yule log complete with cardboard holly must take pride of place in the centre.The sign of a good Christmas dinner is when people are still eating the turkey on New Years Day.

Finally to give your dinner that "Look how fucking posh we are" feel get the tin of Rover biscuits out & pass them round.After Eights are acceptable but Rover always edge it in the posh stakes due to them having TWO layers.Top this off with a box of Cadburys Fingers,a dozen Mr Kiplings mince pies,a large packet of lemon & pink coconut Jamborees & a box of shortbread & there you have it...................A WN5 Happy Christmas.

Fucking pukka !

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